One Word I've Never Heard in the Debate
This mosaic, called “Let Your Heart Break Open” has been sold, but I take commissions!
Welcome to our second gathering of heART❤️SCHOOL — an experimental space to practice feeling things, sharing honestly, and engaging our imaginations to make the world a healthier, more beautiful place for all. (Read more heART❤️SCHOOL backstory here.)
Our word for this month is agency. It might take a little while to get there today, but we will. 😉
Yes, we’re going there.
So, I mentioned last time that I want to use this space to tackle big issues. Abortion is in the headlines this week, so why not start there? (Hey, don’t run away! 🤪)
We will NOT rehash the standard arguments for and against “a woman’s right to choose.” I’m finding that, post-menopause, I have little patience for the same-old same-old. Let’s simply state that no one aspires to having an abortion. It is physically and emotionally painful, and not anyone’s first choice as a family planning strategy. Desperation is nearly always a factor.
Here’s what’s been missing.
Instead, I want to focus on… men. I know, right? We forget they’re even involved, aside from their legislating shenanigans. I’ve been hearing grown-ups discuss abortion since long before I knew what the word meant, being seven years old when Roe v Wade became the law of the land. Not once do I recall the accountability of men coming up.
If an alien dropped into the heated abortion debate in the U.S., they would get the impression that women just can’t stop impregnating themselves, and that half of the population favors letting women slay their extra babies and the other half wants to stop them from slaying their extra babies.
Honestly, WTF? This quote I read today rings more true:
“It is a fine day, let’s go out and kill something!” cries the typical male instinctively.
”There is a living thing, it will die if it is not cared for,” says the average woman almost equally instinctively.
- Olive Schreiner
Since (white) men have controlled the messaging in this debate, maybe there’s some projection going on.
Let’s make it a men’s issue.
What would happen if we centered men’s bodies and behavior in the debate? (I know! We’re usually practicing not centering white men, but here they are suspiciously absent.) At a minimum, let’s acknowledge that men actively cause 100% of the pregnancies in question to occur. Even with modern fertility methods, I doubt anyone is paying thousands for IVF just to turn around and abort the fetus.
Women aren’t getting themselves pregnant, and no one craves an abortion. So what are ways we can prevent it, other than shouting, threatening, and now (in Texas) suing each other?
First, we can let our imaginations roam.
The first place my rage goes when I hear stories like the very real new law that took effect in Texas this week, is into creatively nefarious brainstorming. Here are a few ideas I’ve come up with while my heart is pumping furiously. I’m not saying we should actually do these things, but I’d argue that they’re no less wacky than what’s already happening:
Give all boys (who are attracted to women) a vasectomy at the onset of puberty. When one has found a mate who would like to parent children with him, she can arrange for the vasectomy to be reversed.
Invent an ATM chip-like device to be implanted in (hetero)sexually active males. Each time they penetrate a woman, money (on a sliding scale) is transferred from their bank account into a societal fund for family-rearing expenses, accessible by women on a reverse sliding scale where poor women of color receive the most. Because truly, the abortion debate is about keeping marginalized people as marginalized as possible.
Create menstruation simulators for adolescent boys and pregnancy simulators for young men, to increase empathy towards — and awe of — women’s resilience, strength, and other magical qualities.
You know that we have the technological sophistication to do these things and I would personally love to hear Congress debate ways to legislate men’s bodies. But these are mostly knee-jerk, self-soothing responses to stories of cruelty to women.
(Sex strikes feel like they have lots of potential, though.)
Then let’s ask our hearts.
When I downshift my anger from fifth gear into, let’s say second, that’s when my heart starts to open up. It’s a shift into curiosity.
I might begin wondering:
> What happened to them, the (white) men coming up with these sadistic laws? What were their childhoods like? How much humanity had to be trained out of their hearts for them to spend their careers (or leisure time) inflicting maximum damage on other people’s lives?
> How were they taught to dehumanize others, in order to perpetuate the current power structures? (Here’s an excellent resource that describes the subtleties of white supremacy culture that we’ve all been steeped in, whether or not we think we are racist.)
> How small must a person’s image of “God” be to use it as defense of their over-meddling and cruelty? Have we let (white Christian) religious freedom go too far without questioning it?
We’re not done yet.
Inquiring into people’s motivations is useful, and it helps that I’ve become an armchair psychologist. I’m fascinated by what makes people do, think, and say the things they do, think, and say, so I immerse myself in books and podcasts and articles about this. Still, those questions put the issue squarely out there, on those other people.
It’s a way for my ego to let me off the hook while making me look rather caring. So let’s go further.
What about ME? What about YOU? What about US?
To create change, there needs to be action, not just assignment of blame or even thoughtful attempts at understanding others’ behaviors (though the latter is a great place to start and contributes to a positive shift in energy, which itself is a kind of action).
This is where agency comes in. I think of agency as the act of knowing you have a choice. Understanding that your actions make a difference.
And this is where I’d love your help with a constructive, humane-solutions brainstorm. We’re focused on men today, so the question is:
How can we create a society which allows and expects men to embrace their full humanity? (And all people on the gender spectrum, while we’re at it.)
How can we raise compassionate men/humans who do not need to feel power-over by rendering others powerless? On a most basic level related to abortion, how can we teach boys and men not to rape? What can we do to bring out the humanity in us all?
Specifically, what can I do? What can you do? What can we do together?
I’ll start.
I can write to my favorite sports team (the Oakland Athletics) and urge them, each time they plan to honor military veterans or other people trained-to-fight, to consider honoring home healthcare workers, nurses, preschool teachers, and other people trained-to-care. We could glorify killing professions less and lift up care-giving professions more, including encouraging men to explore those professions.
I can stop watching movies and TV shows featuring yet another domestic assault or rape scene or story line where boys behave badly without consequences. (After a puzzling trip down the Scandinavian murder mystery vortex a few years back, I’ve sworn off those.)
When I hear a man express embarrassment for not being able to fix/reach/understand/open/break/master something, I can remind him that he’s still a worthy human being, just by virtue of arriving here on Earth.
I can ask men (and all people) more about how they feel about important things in life, and less about their careers or their sports teams. Then listen as they find the words for it — including describing to me what is important to them about their job or sport.
(your ideas here)
(and here)
(and here, etc. etc.)
That’s not all.
Of course there are more urgent and time-sensitive needs to be met — things that can’t wait for society to change in the ways I’m suggesting above. The Texas law is already causing some doctors to stop seeing patients, and the sinister work-arounds the law uses are being picked up by other states as I write this.
Thankfully, tech-savvy activists (called “hacktivists” 🤓) are striking back, matching state-sanctioned chaos with clever and covert havoc. But there’s more to do. If finances are your most accessible form of protest, please make those donations. If you want to band together, I’ll be contributing 50% of proceeds from my online shop during the month of September, to the cause.
What cause, exactly?
If you know of a stellar organization dedicated to teaching boys and/or men emotional intelligence, let me know! I’d love to support them. (I did an online search but didn’t find an obvious candidate.) The default is to supplement my monthly donation to Planned Parenthood with an extra chunk of change.
In review, for anything you purchase from my shop in September — greeting card sets, artwork, DIY craft kits & supplies, doodle books, and everything else you’ll find there — I’ll donate half the purchase price to Planned Parenthood (or the other stellar org I learn out about from you).
Also, please let me know what you can do — what you already are doing plus any new ideas this essay has prompted — to foster the long-term well-being of all humans in our society. We must develop the muscles that enable us to imagine a future where the poorest among us have agency over their lives, and the most powerful among us are inspired to use their wealth and influence for the good of all.
Thanks for joining me in heART❤️SCHOOL today. It’s messy and imperfect, just like us.
-Pam
P.S. I’ve opened an account with Ko-fi, an online site that helps creatives get paid for their mostly unpaid efforts, such as blogging. I’m still figuring out how to use it best, but if you like this post, you can click here and “buy me a coffee” to show your gratitude. (That’ll be a $3 donation.) You might even be the first person to test it out for me, in which case, muchas gracias! 😘
